A little over 4 months ago, I stopped drinking after 15 years of heavy drinking, the last 3 or 4 of which I drank heavily on a daily basis. Due to the withdraw symptoms, I was hospitalized for 5 days to detox. While I was there, I had learned that I had done a great deal of damage to my liver over the years. After I got out, I kind of ignored it and never got any type of follow up tests done out of fear of what they would find.
I came to realize that it was the anxiety, fear, and depression that were the root cause of my self medicating with alcohol..
Since I was hospitalized, I drank off and on and always managed to recover from it without spiraling completely out of control. Then, 3 weeks ago, I was in a situation out of town that I was all too familiar with and started drinking heavily again. This led to another trip to the the hospital emergency room where I thought I was dying due to a panic attack.
It was at that point that I had decided that I had had enough. I couldn’t keep going through life like this. It was too exhausting and it was killing me. So, I decided to get help. I went to a shrink where I was diagnosed with a couple things anxiety and depression related and signed up for an extensive outpatient therapy – both of which are going really well.
Yesterday, the doctor at the therapy place wanted me to get a blood test again for my liver. This scared the shit out of me of what they would find. I felt the anxiety come over me like a fog that I couldn’t see through. All last night all I could think of was drinking to take the fear and anxiety away. Its kind of ironic that I wanted to turn back to the thing that got me where I am today.
I made it through the rest of the day and night without giving in. I went to an AA meeting that kind of helped but mostly just tried to stay busy.
Today, under the assumption of pending doom, I learned that the tests all came back good and everything is within the normal range. I felt the fog lift the moment I found out and could go about my day.
Navigating life without numbing my senses is just something I’ll have to deal with, one day at a time.
J.
uncrunk. 